The Motivational Rockstarr

Project 365: Day 187 ~ Death Is Inevitable – Part 3

Posted on: January 5, 2012

I knew it was coming…I just didn’t know from which direction.

Yesterday, one of my childhood friends passed away. She was my age, in good spirits, and her death was totally unexpected. It really hit me hard because I had just posted get well wishes on her status (she was recovering from surgery) just 4 hours before her passing. Despite the surgery, situation, or pain she was still positive, upbeat, and joyful. I won’t say happy because no one is happy when they’re in pain, but when you have genuine joy you are grateful in any and all situations. That’s what she was…joyful to the very end.

They say everything comes in threes; I guess these postings are no different. I’ve been talking about death for a few weeks now, namely because I kept having dreams of death and dying. Yet, the death never occurred to me physically, but rather to people and situations around me. While I expected it in the dream world, I had no idea it was going to play itself out in reality.

I remember I would see her and her husband (whom also is a childhood friend) every time I went to visit my home state. It never failed for me to run into them at Wal-Mart! I swear that store is a class reunion all in itself! Anyway, whenever I saw them they were so happy. She was always that way; even when others tried to bring her down she never let it affect her spirit. A lot of people talk about living their lives to the fullest. My dear friend actually DID JUST THAT!

When I learned of her passing my heart started racing. Since my stroke, I don’t really do full fledge crying (unless it’s a mental breakdown), but I did cry for her. I couldn’t understand how she could go from being in good spirits to crossing over to the spiritual realm so swiftly. It was not what I expected to see when I logged back online. When God calls to us, we have no choice but to return…and it was time for her to return home.

I thought about her all night. I also thought about her husband and children. If I was feeling sad and we only communicated online, I couldn’t imagine the pain and grief they must have been feeling…are still feeling. Suddenly, every thought I had somehow became about death. Not just hers, but my own.

And then something happened.

I don’t know who or how, but I was told to stop thinking about how she died and focus on how she LIVED! She wasn’t a multi-millionaire. She wasn’t a celebrity. She wasn’t known worldwide, nor was she always in the public eye. But she was a wife, a mother, a daughter, sister, aunt, and a darn good friend. She was grateful and appreciative of everyone and everything she had and even when she was feeling down she found something to smile about. God and her family were her number one priorities. Everything else in her life fell into place. She never boasted about what material things she had, but you knew she was wealthy…in love, respect, admiration and appreciation!

With that realization, the sadness of her passing went away. It was replaced with respect and admiration. As much as she motivated me when she was alive, I was even more motivated by the life that she lived.

Then another pain hit me.

Everything that she did was exactly what I wanted to do and have been trying to do…but for some reason I wasn’t doing it. I’ve been so busy chasing my future that I haven’t been PRESENT in the present! I wasn’t necessarily stuck in the past, but I have been so consumed about my lack in the present that I couldn’t see how I was going to make it to the future I envisioned. That’s when I did the full fledged crying fit. Not because she had died, but because I was dying. I suddenly realized that everything I had been doing, every job/assignment/gig I had been taking, every person I had been trying to please, every bill I had been trying to pay, every blink, every breath, every beat of my heart was slowly, surely, and painfully killing me! Not because of WHAT I was doing, but because of WHY I was doing it.

I’m not living. I’m merely existing.

I’m not thriving. I’m merely surviving.

That’s when I really began to feel the pain. That’s when I realized that part of my sadness was about her, but all of my grief was about me. I wasn’t just mourning her loss. I was mourning the loss of my own life. I prayed for God to be with her family. I asked God to give me a resolution…a restoration of my own spirit. I was so lost in my own grief that I couldn’t sleep. Every time I tossed and turned I saw her face. Her beautiful face.

That was it!

I woke up this morning and got my children off to school. Then I had one of the BEST conversations with God up to date. I won’t disclose it here – some things are best kept between yourself and your Higher Power – but my prayer was answered. While I can’t change overnight, I did change in an instant. I clarified my vision. I spoke of a new existence. I made a decision; one that I thought was made before, but apparently wasn’t made clearly enough. A part of me passed away with my friend yesterday…and that’s okay, because a new part of me was born today!

I am no longer merely existing. I AM LIVING.

I am no longer merely surviving. I AM THRIVING!

And so it is! In the name of the Most High I thank you! Amen!

Rest in Paradise my beautiful friend. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

The journey continues…

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