The Motivational Rockstarr

I have a confession…

Posted on: August 11, 2012

…and it just might shock you.

Lately I’ve been feeling really heavy, lethargic, fatigued, and just flat-out unhappy. Even while being surrounded by blessing after blessing I’ve still found a way to ignore the silver lining and focus on the dark cloud. Simply put, I have felt like crap! I just didn’t know why I was feeling this way. So I took a walk.

I walk for two reasons: fitness and frustration. This was a frustration walk. I needed to get out and breathe, to go think out loud and analyze my feelings. I took my normal route and sat down on a bench at the neighborhood school. There is where I went in. I let it all out – yes, verbally, no, I’m not crazy. I talked about everything from my past to my present to where I want to be in my future. After a few moments it hit me. I finally realized what was weighing me down and making me unhappy.

I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’m selfish.

I’m bitter because I took advantage of my situation while living in Atlanta. I didn’t go all in as many may have perceived me to have done. Yes, I did some good while there, but nowhere near what I could have done. Heck, my first six months there I was pretty laid back. I got comfortable – too comfortable – and it caused me to become complacent. Looking back I wish I would have done so many things differently. I know my situation would have turned out in another way, but that doesn’t mean it would have turned out better.

I’m angry because of my bitterness. What makes it worse is that my internal anger is attracting external anger. Yet I won’t fault the people around me because they wouldn’t be attracted to me if I wasn’t feeling or reflecting something they recognized. I wasted two years of my life: depended on enemies more than friends, went and done things I should have never committed to, and this is where it’s got me – back in Ohio needing to regroup. On top of that, the anger has caused me to become restless, eat unhealthily, and be reckless in my decision making process.

I’m selfish because I’m desperate to help myself first. I know what my purpose is and in order to fulfill that I have to be able to submit my needs for the needs of others. Yet I can’t do that because I’m so focused on getting myself out of this rut I put myself in. And I’m not necessarily talking financially. I don’t have any collectors calling me or anything. I’m talking physically, mentally, and especially spiritually and emotionally. I am taxed! I am spent! I am depleted! Before I can fill someone else up I have to be full myself!

Don’t I?

This is when the conversation turned from me speaking to myself to God speaking to me. Before I was thinking of ways to use this week to cleanse myself. I was going to do a detox, meditate, spend some time away from the Internet to gather my thoughts, and really map out what it is I need to accomplish in order to return to Atlanta and be able to focus on helping others. I was going to break up the heaviness and have it removed piece by piece. I was going to take care of everything. I even said something to the effect of I’m going to do this with God’s help. I should have said God’s going to do this with my help. But, even that wasn’t the “A HA!” moment. This was:

“Even if I’m bitter, angry, and selfish God can still use me just as I am.”

Weight lifted!

I now see that one of my main challenges was feeling like I had to be this perfect person and fit into this perfect image. God told me otherwise. I don’t have to change this, adjust that, or eliminate the other in order to be able to fulfill my purpose of helping others. I have everything I need to do what I need to do. So that is how I’m going to proceed.

I could have kept this realization to myself, but I knew that someone else needed it just as much as I did. Part of what I do is let people know they have what it takes to bring their passion to life. You don’t have to have all of the pieces of the puzzle at once to know what the picture is going to look like. Your vision is the picture, and just like any puzzle you can only put it together one piece at a time. You work with what you have and the additional knowledge, connections, lessons, growth, etc. will come when you’re ready for it. Don’t believe you have to be, do, or have a certain something before you can get started. God, your Higher Power, already gave you what you needed before you were even born. It’s there! You just have to move!

I’m still going to do my weekly cleansing method so I’ll physically and mentally feel better, but spiritually and emotionally that realization was EXACTLY the healing I needed! It didn’t immediately erase the bitterness, anger, or selfishness, but it put a light on it. Now it’s up to me to eliminate their presence.

Even if I’m bitter, angry, and selfish God can still use me just as I am. The same goes for you, too!

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