The Motivational Rockstarr

Posts Tagged ‘acceptance

We’ve rounded the bases and are at the home stretch. By now, you should have a firm grasp of how understanding, accepting, and reclaiming self-love is important to your overall well-being. Once you’ve positioned yourself to developing self-love, you have to learn how to protect it. It’s important to prevent anyone from depleting you of the self-love you’ve worked so hard and diligently to accumulate up to this point.

How do you protect your self-love? By guarding your mind, heart, and spirit from negative outer sources. Your newfound level of self-love is much like a newborn baby: very much alive and very much vulnerable to any and all outside forces. You must nourish and protect it at the same time. Continue to fuel your self-love by spending quality time alone, doing things you love to do, and being in your true essence. Don’t share your QT ideas with anyone during the initial stages! Doing so will expose your new baby and, if met with criticism, can cause more harm than good.

People may come to you with ideas on how to spend your quality time. While well meaning, these ideas don’t have to be acted upon. Simply say, “Thank you for the idea!” and keep moving along. You don’t owe anyone anything beyond that, and depending on who it is and how the idea is presented you may not even owe them that much! There are those who feel they always know what’s best for others. Then there are those who insist they know how to operate your life better than you. Take their suggestions with a grain of salt, gently toss them to the back of your mind, and proceed to loving yourself how you see fit.

On the flip side, you will have those that will criticize  you for spending so much time, money, and effort on yourself. They’ll say things like, “You’re always wearing make up! Who are you trying to impress?” “Why do you keep going back to school? It’s a waste of time!” “You’re such a loner these days. What, are you too good to hang out with us anymore?” These comments are merely reflections of the giver, not the receiver. Never let anyone tell you the proper way to show love to yourself. You know how best to refuel your mind, body, and spirit. If they can’t or don’t understand it, then it’s their loss. You don’t owe anyone any sort of explanation. Just keep doin what makes you happy and protect yourself from the nay-sayers at all costs.

I do hope you’ve taken this self-love journey seriously. I also hope that it was, indeed, beneficial to you. Even if one sentence make you open your eyes to treating yourself better I’m satisfied. My goal is to help you find small, simple, everyday ways to improve your life. Little by little, bit by bit. Change doesn’t happen in big, grandiose steps. They are a series of small, intentional steps that you decide to make and then act on. I hope these small, intentional steps lead you to the bigger picture.

Thank you for taking this journey with me! Feel free to revisit this series if ever you feel your level of self-love slipping. Also, share this series – and blog – with your family and friends. You never know what nuggets of wisdom they may find. Love, hugs, and cupcakes to you all!

~Rockstarr~

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Now that you have a workable understanding of self-love, it’s time to move on to phase 2: accepting self-love. How do you do this? The process is easier than you think. In order to accept self-love you need to believe you’re worthy of self-love. Believing this truth is where many women get caught up. They start to think of the mistakes they’ve made in the past, the lies other people have told them, the goals they let fall to the wayside and produce numerous amounts of evidence to debunk the fact – FACT I tell you – that they are worthy of self-love. Instead of letting the evidence work against us, let’s use the evidence to work in our favor.

Case Study #1: When you were a child you were always told you were too ugly/fat/skinny/tall/short/girly/tomboyish. You never learned to love your true self because you altered your image to be the opposite of what you were being called.

Truth: The fact remains that you were NOT any of those things. Honey, listen…kids can be cruel, but none of what they said was true. It wasn’t any truer then than it is now. There was a point in time where you loved yourself for who you were. Along came adolescence, hormone changes, and peer pressure – all of a sudden you don’t know who you want to be. The answer has been with you all along: you want to be YOU! Let’s take that a step further though; don’t just BE you, EMBACE you! This means your curves, your tone, your hair, your style, your voice, your laugh – love and accept everything that makes you unique. We’re not in middle school anymore. Let those monster comments go. And if the comments came from an adult, know the issue is within them and was simply – yet unfairly – projected on you.

Case Study #2: You promised yourself when you were 21 that you would be married with 2 children living the American dream by the time you were 30. You’re now 35!

Truth: You can’t control decisions that involve more than you! Meaning, it’s unfair to your significant other (past or present) to buy into your dream if it doesn’t fit their own. Maybe they had different dreams in regards to marriage and family. That doesn’t make you any less valuable or worthy of self-love. Just because you haven’t found your knight in shining armor (thanks a lot, Disney! *side eye*) doesn’t mean they don’t exist! It just means you need to take this time to prepare yourself for the life that you desire. We’ve all heard the saying before and it rings true: we get what we want when we’re not looking!

Case Study #3: In focusing on case study #2, you neglected your goals of going back to school, starting a business, creating art, developing an invention – all because you lost yourself waiting for someone that has not yet arrived.

Truth: Just because you put your goals to the side doesn’t mean they’re completely dead! At any time you can register for classes, obtain a business license, pick up a paintbrush/pen/camera, or get in your lab! I am a firm believer that creative expression is one of the HIGHEST forms of self-love there is. It is the epitome of self-expression which can only be done when one is truly at peace with their inner being. Everyone – and I do mean everyone – has a creative side within them. Even if your goals are more logic-based, you can still use creativity to get you back on course.

Once you accept the truth of who you are, you will no longer be persuaded by anyone else’s truth of who you should be. That alone will provide the freedom required to fully love and embrace yourself…and by that I mean your SELF! Nothing has meaning except for the meaning you give it. When you define yourself, by yourself, for yourself, to yourself all other opinions and definitions – good or bad – will no longer matter.

No one likes death. Even though it’s simply a transference of the Spirit from one realm to another, that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. What’s even worse than death is an unexpected death. The  removal of someone from your life in, what has been called, “an untimely manner.” This type of death leaves you asking a million questions, the main one being, “Why?”

Here’s the thing though. Death isn’t always the absence of life in the body. Sometimes, it can be the absence of life in other areas as well. Last year was full of unexpected deaths for me, but I’m not talking about the death of a loved one (although that, too, struck a strong chord with me). I’m referring to the death of relationships: three to be exact. And every single one was unexpected in it’s timing, process, and outcome.

Who were these relationship deaths? *breaths* The death of the man I was in love with. The death of my marriage (no, it wasn’t the same person…soon you’ll understand). Finally – and probably the most painful – the death of my best friend. All of these relationships ended within months of each other. It felt like I was spiraling out of control. Hindsight can be 20/20 at times. Right now, this is as clearly as I can see – we’ll call it 15/20 – because I’m not done grieving yet.

So how did I deal with these deaths?! Well, at the time I was all over the place – or so I thought. Today, I realized I had been going through the grieving stage – and didn’t even know it. There are five main stages of grief (along with sub-stages) that I went thought…and none of them were fun.

Image result for stages of grief*credit: Pinterest

Denial: Nah, this wasn’t really happening. I wasn’t being choked in my own bedroom by my ex-husband in front of my son. He was just stressed. I wasn’t still in love with a man that said he loved me, but wasn’t ready to commit. I broke that feeling years ago. Our bond was 20 years solid…she didn’t just abandon me like that. It was the wedding and school stress that caused her disappearance. I made an excuse for every single demised relationship. I blamed it on schedules, mind games, mercury retrograde…you name it, I faulted it. I faulted everything except the parties involved. I mean, things happen and soon we’d get it together…right? Wrong! That man I was so madly in love with…can’t even return an email. The ex-husband who wanted to “work it out?” I guess he decided I’d be better off dead. And my best friend of 20 years? Well, I guess that’s not long enough for loyalty.

ANGER: Oh, I was mad! BIG MAD!!! How could I commit so much of myself for so long only to reap nothing in return? How was I so stupid to believe that my marriage was real, or that “he” was the one, or that the way I treated and supported her would be returned when the shoe was on the other foot? How could they all abandon me like that, leaving me in a dust pile of nothingness, covered in scars, blood, and tears – and not even say they were sorry? And how could I let them? Where was my self-respect? How did I not see this coming? Why were they placed on pedestals while I was merely an option in a cabinet? He told me he wasn’t ready. Why did I fall in love with him anyway? He told me he was from the streets. What made me think he would be a good husband? I was always – ALWAYS – there for her. Where in the hell was she when I needed her?

Depression: If I wasn’t so against medication I’d probably be on every psych pill known to man. This shit hurt, I mean HURT! This wasn’t a one night stand, or a 6 month boy toy, or a casual chick I’d hang out with if I was super bored. This guy was the epitome of everything I wanted in a man. This man was the one I committed myself to in front of a judge AND God…after driving NINE HOURS to get to him! This was a 20 year friendship filled with kids, birthday parties, clubbing nights, hospital visits, and family connections. These weren’t just everyday people. These were individuals that had my  heart…my SOUL! Casual acquaintances be damned…these three meant EVERYTHING to me and left me feeling like I meant NOTHING to them! No amount of cake, music, or clinical therapy in the world could take the pain I was feeling – and am still feeling – away.

Bargaining: Talk about making deals with – nope…I’m not going to say it. But I will say this is my current stage…yet within the last few days it’s flipped. At first, I was thinking of reaching out to these people – well, everyone except my ex-husband. He can go f**k himself! But I wanted to reach out to the man I loved and see if maybe, just maybe, we could be friends. I mean, sure he may still not be ready, but we can be friends…right? I was thinking about reaching out to my ex-best friend. Maybe it really was the stress of school and the wedding. Maybe she didn’t know what to say or how to say it. Maybe she tried – she really tried – but she just couldn’t come out and say what she really wanted to say. I battled with my mind and my ego back and forth on this for weeks. The holidays – ugh – they were the worst! It just wasn’t the same.

And then it hit me…the bargaining isn’t about getting back with them; it’s about getting back on track.

That’s where I am right now. I’m no longer trying to find ways or excuses to rekindle dead relationships. I’m no longer beating myself up for trusting individuals. I’m no longer playing “victim” nor “survivor.” I’m simply trying to find a way to move on in life without them. I’m finding ways to heal from the hurt. I’m finding a purpose for the pain. I’m making a deal with myself to be a better version of myself.

What’s after this? The final stage: Acceptance.

No, I’m not completely there yet, and that’s okay. These stages bleed into one another. So I guess you can say I’m at a healthy 4.7; still bargaining, but I have pretty much accepted the fact that I may never see nor hear from these individuals again. It used to hurt, but I’ve been though that. I was mad about it, but I’ve been though that. I was sad about it, but I’ve been though that. Now it’s time to get real about it. Their season is over in my life. My season is over in their life. No one is any more right or wrong than anyone else. Who knows, they may feel a certain type of way about me. If that’s the case, and on the rare chance they’re actually reading this, I apologize. Nothing was intentional; it was simply the actions of a broken person, not an evil spirit. I’ve learned and grown from it and I pray that you have, too.

The reason why I’m sharing this with you is two-fold. First, I need an outlet. Since I have no BFF anymore – outside of my Misfits – there’s no one I trust enough to vent to that could handle it. It’s part of my bargaining stage: to face what was, what is, and what is soon to be. I’m okay with that. The second reason is because as a coach this is what I help other women overcome. I didn’t have anyone to hold my hand through my stages. I want to be that hand for the next person…as a support system…without judgment or belittlement. I’m not a therapist, nor do I want to be. All they do is ask a bunch of repetitive questions based on the past. No real, current healing can begin that way. (Not knocking therapists…but from experience it just didn’t work from me).

Grieving can cause road blocks that prevent you from living, laughing, and Loving again. It’s imperative to get back to life after death. You may not know how…but I do, and I’m here to help you. What are you grieving in your life? How are you handling it? What stage are you in? (If you say none it’s denial! LOL! I KID!) No matter what life used to knock you down, no matter what relationship, opportunity, or career path has died, you can recover and you can move on.

Leave your story below. Inspire someone else. Need more help, guidance, or clarity? Contact me at http://www.isyspublications.com/contact.

It’s time to get back to YOU again!

 


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