The Motivational Rockstarr

Posts Tagged ‘Coach Cartel

Domestic Violence Prevention avatarThis is my theme for the month. October is National Domestic Violence Prevention/Awareness month. For years this month has always been special to me. Not only have I experienced domestic violence – twice – but I’ve been a witness to it far too many times. Domestic violence goes beyond physical abuse. There are varying types: emotional, financial, sexual, mental, religious…the list goes on and on. There are women – and men, believe it or not – who are stuck in relationships today thinking they’re not being abused because their not-so-significant other hasn’t laid a hand on them. That’s the biggest stigma when it comes to domestic violence – that it’s only physical. It’s not! Any form of abuse that’s hurtful, belittling, and limits your quality of life can be considered abuse. There is no love is pain.

But there can be a purpose for it.

What I mean by purposing your pain is to take what you’ve been through and use it to better your life. A lot of times DV survivors feel guilt and shame for their failed relationships. Having society shame us in their own way doesn’t help, neither. How many times have you said or heard these words:

  • That could never be me!
  • How stupid  is she/he for staying?
  • She/he obviously likes the way they treat them or they would have left by now.
  • It can’t be that bad.
  • What’s to complain about? They’re living it up!

I could name countless other comments, but I think as survivors we’ve been shamed enough. Listen, there’s more to leaving a domestically violent relationship than packing your stuff and walking out. It’s not that easy! And, no, you don’t always see it coming. The complicated details can only be understood by those who have been through it. If you have, don’t waste another second giving the shameful thoughts and comments you overhear – or that are told directly to you – another kilowatt of your power! And if you’re the one doing the “talking” just know it’s more helpful to say something positive and beneficial. Keep your shameful feelings to yourself. You’re not helping the situation…AT ALL!

So how can you purpose this pain? Put a positive spin on it. I know there’s nothing positive about the incident in and of itself, but instead of reacting with guilt, shame, or counterproductively with your own attacks, try using the situation to help better your life.

Have you always been told you’re not attractive and no one else would want you? Use this opportunity to practice REAL self love! Every morning, go to the mirror and say these three affirmations:

I love you just as you are!

I appreciate you just as you are!

You’re beautiful just as you are!

Speak life into your self-confidence and self-esteem! Within a weeks time I bet you’ll feel a whole lot better!

Have you battled with finances because your not-so-significant other always controlled money? Take finance classes. Join online financial groups. Envision a better life where money is a tool that’s abundantly at your disposal.

Were you always told you would be nothing without them? Kept in solitude from your family and friends? Now is the best time to surround yourself with positive, uplifting people. This is sometimes tricky because, sadly, not all family members and friends are supportive of DV survivors during this critical time. I highly recommend seeking support groups. They can be found at your local community centers, though DV organizations, meetup.com, and many other places. Having difficulty finding a group? Create one! You are not alone in this journey. Find another lone walker and take this task on together. The more support you can find, the easier it will be.

There are many other ways to purpose your pain. One way that’s helped me is to give back and help others who are now dealing with what I’ve been through. This month I plan on purposing my pain in several ways:

  1. Purpose your Pain AnnouncementPurpose your Pain Open Coaching Sessions – Every Thursday evening from 6 pm – 7 pm EST this month I will host a weekly webinar online to discuss four aspects of domestic violence recovery: acceptance, forgiveness, healing, and forward movement. I invite you to join me and the other participants. As a bonus, all participants are eligible to win a free digital gift basket! Registration is free and participation is confidential. You can register here at Eventbrite. Or you can pop by the Zoom chat room where the webinar will be held. It’s open to all participants and, as stated before, you can participate confidentially.
  2. Stronger Than Life: On Saturday, 10/14, I will be in Bridgeport, CT sharing my story with four other amazing survivors. If you’re in the Bridgeport area I invite you to attend this event. Information can be found on the flyer below:Stronger Than Life 2017
  3. Hurricane eBook sale: The book that saved my life…literally…is on sale this month for $1.99 using coupon code RH32T. It’s available for download on all eReaders at Smashwords .

Hurricane Book Cover Image

There’s no telling what else I will do to bring awareness to this life altering issue. One thing’s for certain; whatever it is I will not let my pain exist in vain. If God spared me then it’s only right that I help others escape the turmoil I went through. Through pain, shame, and victim blame…I will purpose my pain!

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Hey Rockstarrs!

Welcome (back) to YOUR blog! Yes, you read that right! This is a place for YOU…the readers…to find the motivation, inspiration, and dedication you need to fulfill YOUR definition of success. Not much has changed about this blog. It’s still designed to help you identify road blocks, remove them, and get you back on track. The only adjustment is in the delivery – as in when you’ll see new posts! You can look forward to a new blog gracing your inbox or newsletter the first of every month! Haven’t subscribed yet? Follow the link and sign up!

For this blog, I want to initiate our new cycle by focusing on a subject that seems to be in the air for a lot of people. That subject is the principle of starting over. We’re in the last 4 month segment of 2017 (or for those that like quarters, the first day of the last month of the 3rd quarter…ya dig?!). While some people are still working diligently towards their goals, there are those who have either: a) given up their goals months ago and returned to everyday living, or b) those who want to “start again” come January 1st. This month’s message is for the masses that are thinking about giving up – or already have.

Honey, listen (when you see this…the message begins!), there is absolutely NO SHAME in not having achieved all you set out to achieve 244 days ago. I’m sure at some point your mojo was on 10 and you were on blaze towards your goals. So what happened? Life! It always does. Finances change. The blaze turned into a fire…then downgraded to a spark…then downgraded again to a sizzle. Support system dried up. Vision got cloudy. Eyes got blurry, filled with tears of regret. And then, you contemplated throwing in the proverbial towel.

Why? Because at some point during December 2016 you heard someone somewhere tell you to make a goal SO BIG that it SCARES the bejeebies out of you! So that’s what you did. You set a goal – or two, or three – so large that you damn near wet your pants in fear, but kept your composure because you knew, you just knew, that by December 2017 you would be balling out of freaking control!

Here’s the problem with – what have been described to me as – BIG, HAIRY, AUDACIOUS GOALS: they don’t happen in 365 days! Super sized goals take TIME! Lots of time! And I don’t mean time to manifest. Once you claim it the goal is yours. What takes time is for your vibration to match the goal, for you to do the work, and for you to SEE (major key – shout out to DJ Khaled!) the goal in your life! Yet that’s one of the things no one tells you! They say dream big, quit your job, work hard, don’t sleep, and your life will change forever. That’s a truth, but a heavily stretched one. So, before you throw in that proverbial towel let’s break down how these BHA goals REALLY happen!

  1. Dream big! This is when you set the goal of your desires. It doesn’t matter what it is: buy a house, get married/divorced, travel more, escape society and go live in the Amazon Rainforest. The point is to identify what makes your heart sing and your spirit almost rise out of your body in excitement! It can be one goal or 100! If it seems damn near unobtainable, but very desirable, that’s your BHA goal.
  2. Quit your job! Let me clear my throat on this one. *ahem* WORST! ADVICE! EVER! Unless you’ve won the Power Ball or inherited a nice chunk of change, you’re still going to have bills and responsibilities while on the road to creating your BHA goal. Anyone that recommends quitting your job is automatically suspect to me. I’m convinced they either didn’t have money issues to begin with (which, in that case, how can they relate to the everyday person’s struggle), or they’re using it as a marketing angle to make themselves look like an overnight success (which we ALL know – or should know – takes about 10 years). Never, ever leave your job (or as Lisa Nichols calls it, your “investor”) before your wings are ready to fly. Sure, make preparations, but January 2nd is not the day to tell your boss to kiss your you-know-what or to spike that annoying co-worker’s coffee with ex-lax and try to say it’s “mocha flavoring!” (Don’t ask…)
  3. Work hard. This tip is inevitable, but it’s also deceiving. Working hard is not – I repeat, NOT – the same as being busy! Working hard can be researching distributors, filling out legal paperwork for business filing, setting up test runs for new products. It does not have to be physically labor intensive or mentally non-stimulating. It’s simply doing what really needs to be done to start on the path of meeting your goals…not what makes it “look” like you’re doing something.
  4. Don’t sleep. GTFOH!!! Have you ever heard the phrase, “Don’t risk your health trying to obtain your wealth.”? Well, this phrase was created to counteract this non-essential bullshit piece of advice. Our bodies need to rest! There is no honor in burnout! You can’t focus if you’re burning the candle on both ends. All that’s going to do is wear you out, tear you up, and make you essentially useless in the pursuit of your own goals. Look, I get it, we live in a society that thrives on instant gratification. However, not everything can be nuked in the microwave for 30 seconds. I like how Eric Thomas put it: “It takes 21 years to be 21!” Some things just…take…time! No amount of sleep deprivation is going to change that. Do your part, and let the rest take care of itself.

*thinks to self: so much for a short blog!*

So what am I saying in all of this…and how does it tie in to the title? Don’t give up just because you’re not “there” yet. Understand and ACCEPT the fact that some goals take longer than others to achieve. If you’ve lost your blaze, find a new direction to achieve the same goal. And for Pete’s sake and for the love of Mike (whomever they are) please, please…DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB…YET! (The day will come. Hold on, grasshopper!)

Today is a great day to have a great day! Today is also a great day to pick up where you left off. We still have 4 full months until we do this craziness called resolutions again. Don’t start over on January 1st. Keep going on September 1st! Yeah, that sounds real nice!

Stay focused!

#CoachCartel

Hola, Rockstarrs!!!

***This was originally going to be a Facebook Live presentation, but – unfortunately – FB Live is not my friend right now. *side eye* Nevertheless, I wanted to discuss a topic that I have been battling with for the past few days.***

We’ve all been through challenges, changes, and transformations that have pushed us to become better versions of ourselves. I know, personally, that I am a “challenge junkie!” If it’s about growth, evolvement, and increase I’m all for it. However, recently I’ve been wondering if, by strengthening my self-discipline, am I subconsciously experiencing self-deprivation.

Follow me here!

We all know that self-discipline is the act of controlling your thoughts, actions, and the like for improvement. Self-deprivation, on the other hand, is the act of denying yourself the basic needs of life (food, water, shelter – all that good stuff)! When I speak of self-deprivation in this instance though I’m going deeper than the basics. In my comparison, I’m referring to the little joys of life that we like to experience: television, treats, splurges at the store. Things of that nature.

In my case, one of my current self-disciplines is to exercise more for increased energy. Yet, lately, I feel like I’ve been depriving myself of rest because – God forbid – if I skip an exercise day then all of my prior workouts have been in vain. Now intellectually I know that’s not the case, yet I’ll deprive myself the occasional *bonus rest day* because I’m determined to stick to my exercise schedule.

Here’s another example. Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE CAKE!!! Since I’m exercising more I’m also working on changing my eating habits. Now, prior to this newfound love of working out (*snickers sarcastically*) I used to scarf down an entire box of Little Debbie snack cakes without blinking an eye. Now, I feel like if I eat even one I’m setting myself back and wasting months of workout time. Yet another exaggerated excuse to not have a snack cake, but that’s my current mental state.

This got me to thinking: what is the difference between self-discipline and self-deprivation? Here’s my answer:

Self-discipline is the act of controlling your thoughts and actions for the betterment of your overall goal. AKA…resistance!

Self-deprivation is the act of forbidding harmless pleasures for the sake of your overall goal. AKA…restriction!

Resistance VS restriction. One can move you two steps forward. The other can set you two steps back. Resistance is what allows you to strengthen your self-discipline. It’s the art of knowing how to determine what’s good for you and in what increments. Restriction is like a stern parent; it doesn’t allow you to enjoy the process of self-growth and increases the chance of self-sabotage.

How can you tell if you’re experiencing self-discipline or self-deprivation? Look at the end result. If you buckle, how will it affect the end goal? How will it affect how you feel about yourself? Will you still be able to achieve your desired results? If the answer still leads you to success, then it’s a mere act of self-discipline. If the answer leads to guilt and shame, then it’s self-deprivation.

Increased self-discipline is a healthy goal; increased self-deprivation is not. The best way to counteract the latter is to reward yourself while strengthening the former. A bonus rest day…a bonus snack…a bonus gift is not going to throw you off course. When you set rewards for yourself you reduce the risk of self-deprivation. When you reduce that risk, you also reduce the chance of self-sabotage. Know your starting and ending points, decide what counts as a true risk to your goal versus a harmless treat, and move accordingly. Knowing what you’re facing ahead of time helps to stick with improving your self-discipline while eliminating the experience of self-deprivation.

Happy growing!

~Rockstarr~

I have to laugh at myself sometimes! Here it is, Thursday, and I had YET to write this week’s blog! My goal is to write and post a blog every Monday (what is known as my Motivational Monday blogs). However, last month I experimented with posting a blog theme. Every week I wrote a new blog focusing on a specific topic. It was a trial run to see if I could follow a structured formula in regards to blog content.

I did great!

Then I got bored.

See, here’s the thing about me. I’m EXTREMELY (not yelling, just stating) spontaneous! Well, as spontaneous as a parent can get. I don’t like to plan blog topics. I don’t like to plan, period! Now before you hit me with the If you fail to plan, you plan to fail! hoopla hear me out.

I am several things: a blue personality…an empath…a Gemini…an artist in all capacities. I’m moved by inspiration, not structure. Ideas can strike me at 3am or 7 pm (which is funny because that’s what time it is now). When these ideas hit me, they all comes at once, sometimes in speeds that leave me before I can write them all down. I did well last month, but I also learned something about myself…and about creatives. We GO when we FLOW!

Did you catch that?!

We GO when we FLOW!

That means we’re at our best when moved by our creative energies. Now the structured stuff is good, too, no doubt about it. But you get supreme excellence when you move once the feeling strikes you! I’m telling you, there’s nothing like being moved to create and inspire spontaneously!

What’s my point? If you find that you move – umm – differently than the rest of the world that’s okay. You can still be structured and spontaneous at the same time. When the mood strikes, get as much information and set up as possible. Then, schedule the outcome to occur when you’d like it to appear. For example, sometimes I’ll get blog ideas late at night. Before my experiment, I would write the blog out on a Word doc or here and schedule it for a Monday release. It’s a win-win…and a method I’m returning to immediately!

What if you’re not a blogger thought? What if you’re a photographer and get inspiration to shoot in a certain area of town? Schedule a day and time you can go to that spot and I bet inspiration will meet you there. Are you a painter? Sketch your ideas or jot down what it looks like if you’re not in a position to grab a paintbrush at the moment. When you get to your canvas take your notes. Re-live that vision and transfer it appropriately.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t recreate your visions it 100% all the time. Learn your flow and work WITH it, not AGAINST it. Then schedule a time when you can execute what you received during your flow. Don’t allow the discrepancies of energy vs availability to stop you from being creative or consistent. Where there’s a will there’s a way. Find your path and ROCK IT!

Coach Cartel

“To thine own self be true.” –

Let’s be honest, how many of you can say this statement represents our life? Are you being true to yourself, or are you living a façade? Most of us are the latter, but swear we’re living in the former…especially in the sector of self-love. Now hear me out, ladies! We have a very warped perception of the true definition of self-love. We’re led to believe that it means having our hair laid out, nails on point, toes on fleek (do people even still use that word?!), body snatched, and clothes cycled out every season for the latest trends. While this may be a 100th of a 10th of 1% true, it is by no means an honest measure of self-love. It may be a representation of your Love Language, but self-love is on another level.

First, let’s break down the two words (thanks, Merriam Webster!):

Self: the entire person of an individual

Love: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

Combine these two and you have the overall meaning of self-love: the act of being unselfish, loyal, and benevolently concerned for you. That sounds good, right? Is this really all there is to it?

In a word…no.

Self-love is so much deeper than a combined Merriam Webster definition. It goes beyond the physical appearance and resides on a deeper, cellular level. How we think…how we act…how we treat ourselves is an indicator of how much – or how little – self-love you possess. The way you carry yourself in person and in private are a direct reflection of how you value yourself. Before we dive in to what self-love is, let’s clarify what it is not.

Going back to my examples, these are not true signs of self-love. Yes, we all want to look good and personal care is a must, but that doesn’t equate self-love. In fact, we as women are notorious for using our outer appearance to hide our feelings. If we feel our body isn’t up to par, we wear clothing that hides our shape. If we dislike our hair, we cover it up with wigs and weaves. If our skin is less than perfect (God forbid we have a pimple or scar) we cover it with make-up. We look great on the outside, but it’s only to cover up the emptiness and inadequacy we feel on the inside. And who causes these feelings? Family? Friends? Lovers? The media? We can point as many fingers as we want, but the bottom line is WE are the cause of these feelings. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt stated this truth some decades ago and she was spot on. We’re so concerned about how appealing we are to others so THEY will love us, that we neglect to love our natural self. What do we end up doing instead? We hide behind the disguises of painted nails, false hair, compromised complexions, and uncomfortable clothing – all for the sake of love.

Ladies, this is not true self-love. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good so long as you’re doing it for YOU and not THEM!

Here’s what real self-love looks like. It’s proper rest and nutrition. It’s laughing and smiling genuinely because you’re happy with yourself. It’s complimenting other women in a positive light. It’s living the life that you desire. It’s being grateful for everyone and everything in your life. It’s spending quality time with yourself doing what you love. It’s practicing your beliefs. It’s being you…unashamed and unapologetically!

When I first understood self-love I was on the other side of the spectrum. In fact, I was so far on the other side I didn’t even bother to hide it. My focus was on everyone else: kids, family, not-so-significant others. Everyone got a piece of my love except for me. As far as receiving it…that was a foreign concept. Do you know what it’s like to never be told that you’re loved? That you’re beautiful? That you are appreciated? Now imagine that being your entire life. Growing up, these words were non-existent. It was just assumed, I guess. So, of course, the first time someone told me they “loved me” I was ecstatic! I didn’t bother to think if they were telling the truth or why they said it in the first place. I don’t even think I knew what the word “love” really meant. I was just so enamored a the fact that someone finally – FINALLY – told me they loved me. Too bad that person lied…and so did the next one…and the next one…and on and on and on.

It would take years of disappointments, let downs, and false illusions to finally accept that none of these claims (made by not-so-significant others and friends) were true. It would take just as long to rebound from the hurt and confusion it caused me to feel. If they never really loved me, did that mean I was unlovable? Did I even know the true meaning of love? Again, it would be years before I finally GOT it.

You see, where most of us as women go wrong is we look for others to love us instead of learning to first love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we need to know ourselves. In order to know ourselves, we need to spend time within ourselves. Only then are we capable of self-love, and it isn’t until we master self-love that we are truly able to love others. Otherwise, we’re simply lost souls seeking a “feeling” that we think is love, but we’re not quite sure because we don’t really know what love is ourselves. Once we get that understanding, we become force to be reckoned with!

This week, I want you to spend some time defining self-love. What does it mean to you? Are you living out the true meaning of self-love, or are you covering it up with distractions and illusions to mask the pain? What will it take to improve your self-love? Share your story below. This blog isn’t just about me…it’s about US! Look for the video blog expounding on this topic in a few days. You can view my current and previous videos here.


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