The Motivational Rockstarr

Posts Tagged ‘ISYS LLC

Self-Love

To Love Self is to Love God! ~ Coach Cartel

Amazing! Wonderful! Beautiful! Delicious, even!

Those are just a few words that can describe my week of self-Love! Never have I ever devoted so much time and attention to myself without an ounce of guilt being felt. To understand the depth and magnitude of how important of a milestone this is for me we need to go back to what started it all.

For three weeks I partook in an online Love summit entitled From Heartbreak to Wholeness. Hosted by Elisabeth Scheffer, it featured some of the nation’s top Love experts, coaches, healers – alla dat! Some of the presenters I’ve known and followed off and on from time to time. A few were new to me. In fact, it was a coach of one of the new presenters that sparked the idea of my self-Love week.

Her name is Nicole and she’s my new Love Mentor. She works closely with Dr. Diana Kirschner who’s a relationship coach. No, I’m not looking to get hitched again – yet! However, I have come to realize that while I’m so busy giving, giving, giving I’m doing very little receiving. And that, my dear rockstar, had to change.

So upon speaking with Nicole for the first time we got to know each other better. I told her of my past Love “lessons” and how they contributed to my personal views on Love as of late. During this 60 minute call she gave me several homework assignments (still makes me lol…I’m not even officially her student yet!). One of these assignments was to get a massage. I needed to show myself some TLC…with the same intent that I’ve shown to others.

And thus began the week of self-Love!

It’s funny because I was hesitant to even book the massage! Seriously, it took me almost an hour to click submit for payment. But I finally did it. It was paid for and all I had to do was secure a date. (That was on Sunday.) Since that day, I have done at least one act of self-Love for myself for the past seven days. I’m proud to say that, beyond that initial hesitation, I didn’t bulk once at spoiling myself with a little TLC!

Why? Because after speaking with Nicole I had an epiphany that night. I can’t keep giving 50 if I’m only at 5! Never mind the numbers (I’m not talking percentages or anything), focus on the message. We’ve all heard the saying that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Well that saying is beyond the truth and what I found myself doing – especially lately – is trying to pour into others (work, kids, business, clients, writing, etc.) from a space that was about as dry as the Sahara desert! I was so focused on forcing myself to give to others that I didn’t stop to see that I had nothing left to give. It was like squeezing water from a rock. It just wasn’t there. Add to that my internal issues dealing with rejection, exclusion, judgment – something had to give.

So I gave! More like I gave up! What did I give up?

  • The need for others’ approval of my work.
  • The need to feel included in events.
  • The need for outer validation.
  • The need for social media.

I let it all go for seven whole days! And it…felt…GREAT!!! I realized during this week the reason why I felt the way I did was because others were giving amongst themselves, but no one was giving to me. No one was giving to me because I wasn’t giving to MYSELF!!! While I can’t safely say that habit has been completely broken, I can say that it has been curved dramatically. No longer will I neglect myself nor hide my true being for the sake of others. Anytime I feel slighted by someone or something on the outside, I’ll know it’s time to go within and nurture my inner artistic Rockstarr back to health.

So what does that mean for me now? It means I’m at a point where I’m in the overflow! Yes, I can freely write, create, and coach effectively! I can goal set and plant good seeds for my next harvest. I can look at myself in the mirror and look 10 years younger because I eliminated the stress! I can be open and vulnerable to myself, to my clients, and – God willing – to my true Love! :o) I’m at a beautiful place, in a beautiful space, and I thank God for this week of heavenly bliss! If you have never done so, please take a week – or even a few days – and carve out time just for yourself. You’ll be amazed at how wonderful, light, healthy, and younger you’ll look and feel! It feels so good to give from this space! It feels even better to receive from it!

Advertisements

Hola, Rockstarrs!!!

***This was originally going to be a Facebook Live presentation, but – unfortunately – FB Live is not my friend right now. *side eye* Nevertheless, I wanted to discuss a topic that I have been battling with for the past few days.***

We’ve all been through challenges, changes, and transformations that have pushed us to become better versions of ourselves. I know, personally, that I am a “challenge junkie!” If it’s about growth, evolvement, and increase I’m all for it. However, recently I’ve been wondering if, by strengthening my self-discipline, am I subconsciously experiencing self-deprivation.

Follow me here!

We all know that self-discipline is the act of controlling your thoughts, actions, and the like for improvement. Self-deprivation, on the other hand, is the act of denying yourself the basic needs of life (food, water, shelter – all that good stuff)! When I speak of self-deprivation in this instance though I’m going deeper than the basics. In my comparison, I’m referring to the little joys of life that we like to experience: television, treats, splurges at the store. Things of that nature.

In my case, one of my current self-disciplines is to exercise more for increased energy. Yet, lately, I feel like I’ve been depriving myself of rest because – God forbid – if I skip an exercise day then all of my prior workouts have been in vain. Now intellectually I know that’s not the case, yet I’ll deprive myself the occasional *bonus rest day* because I’m determined to stick to my exercise schedule.

Here’s another example. Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE CAKE!!! Since I’m exercising more I’m also working on changing my eating habits. Now, prior to this newfound love of working out (*snickers sarcastically*) I used to scarf down an entire box of Little Debbie snack cakes without blinking an eye. Now, I feel like if I eat even one I’m setting myself back and wasting months of workout time. Yet another exaggerated excuse to not have a snack cake, but that’s my current mental state.

This got me to thinking: what is the difference between self-discipline and self-deprivation? Here’s my answer:

Self-discipline is the act of controlling your thoughts and actions for the betterment of your overall goal. AKA…resistance!

Self-deprivation is the act of forbidding harmless pleasures for the sake of your overall goal. AKA…restriction!

Resistance VS restriction. One can move you two steps forward. The other can set you two steps back. Resistance is what allows you to strengthen your self-discipline. It’s the art of knowing how to determine what’s good for you and in what increments. Restriction is like a stern parent; it doesn’t allow you to enjoy the process of self-growth and increases the chance of self-sabotage.

How can you tell if you’re experiencing self-discipline or self-deprivation? Look at the end result. If you buckle, how will it affect the end goal? How will it affect how you feel about yourself? Will you still be able to achieve your desired results? If the answer still leads you to success, then it’s a mere act of self-discipline. If the answer leads to guilt and shame, then it’s self-deprivation.

Increased self-discipline is a healthy goal; increased self-deprivation is not. The best way to counteract the latter is to reward yourself while strengthening the former. A bonus rest day…a bonus snack…a bonus gift is not going to throw you off course. When you set rewards for yourself you reduce the risk of self-deprivation. When you reduce that risk, you also reduce the chance of self-sabotage. Know your starting and ending points, decide what counts as a true risk to your goal versus a harmless treat, and move accordingly. Knowing what you’re facing ahead of time helps to stick with improving your self-discipline while eliminating the experience of self-deprivation.

Happy growing!

~Rockstarr~

I have to laugh at myself sometimes! Here it is, Thursday, and I had YET to write this week’s blog! My goal is to write and post a blog every Monday (what is known as my Motivational Monday blogs). However, last month I experimented with posting a blog theme. Every week I wrote a new blog focusing on a specific topic. It was a trial run to see if I could follow a structured formula in regards to blog content.

I did great!

Then I got bored.

See, here’s the thing about me. I’m EXTREMELY (not yelling, just stating) spontaneous! Well, as spontaneous as a parent can get. I don’t like to plan blog topics. I don’t like to plan, period! Now before you hit me with the If you fail to plan, you plan to fail! hoopla hear me out.

I am several things: a blue personality…an empath…a Gemini…an artist in all capacities. I’m moved by inspiration, not structure. Ideas can strike me at 3am or 7 pm (which is funny because that’s what time it is now). When these ideas hit me, they all comes at once, sometimes in speeds that leave me before I can write them all down. I did well last month, but I also learned something about myself…and about creatives. We GO when we FLOW!

Did you catch that?!

We GO when we FLOW!

That means we’re at our best when moved by our creative energies. Now the structured stuff is good, too, no doubt about it. But you get supreme excellence when you move once the feeling strikes you! I’m telling you, there’s nothing like being moved to create and inspire spontaneously!

What’s my point? If you find that you move – umm – differently than the rest of the world that’s okay. You can still be structured and spontaneous at the same time. When the mood strikes, get as much information and set up as possible. Then, schedule the outcome to occur when you’d like it to appear. For example, sometimes I’ll get blog ideas late at night. Before my experiment, I would write the blog out on a Word doc or here and schedule it for a Monday release. It’s a win-win…and a method I’m returning to immediately!

What if you’re not a blogger thought? What if you’re a photographer and get inspiration to shoot in a certain area of town? Schedule a day and time you can go to that spot and I bet inspiration will meet you there. Are you a painter? Sketch your ideas or jot down what it looks like if you’re not in a position to grab a paintbrush at the moment. When you get to your canvas take your notes. Re-live that vision and transfer it appropriately.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t recreate your visions it 100% all the time. Learn your flow and work WITH it, not AGAINST it. Then schedule a time when you can execute what you received during your flow. Don’t allow the discrepancies of energy vs availability to stop you from being creative or consistent. Where there’s a will there’s a way. Find your path and ROCK IT!

Coach Cartel

We’ve rounded the bases and are at the home stretch. By now, you should have a firm grasp of how understanding, accepting, and reclaiming self-love is important to your overall well-being. Once you’ve positioned yourself to developing self-love, you have to learn how to protect it. It’s important to prevent anyone from depleting you of the self-love you’ve worked so hard and diligently to accumulate up to this point.

How do you protect your self-love? By guarding your mind, heart, and spirit from negative outer sources. Your newfound level of self-love is much like a newborn baby: very much alive and very much vulnerable to any and all outside forces. You must nourish and protect it at the same time. Continue to fuel your self-love by spending quality time alone, doing things you love to do, and being in your true essence. Don’t share your QT ideas with anyone during the initial stages! Doing so will expose your new baby and, if met with criticism, can cause more harm than good.

People may come to you with ideas on how to spend your quality time. While well meaning, these ideas don’t have to be acted upon. Simply say, “Thank you for the idea!” and keep moving along. You don’t owe anyone anything beyond that, and depending on who it is and how the idea is presented you may not even owe them that much! There are those who feel they always know what’s best for others. Then there are those who insist they know how to operate your life better than you. Take their suggestions with a grain of salt, gently toss them to the back of your mind, and proceed to loving yourself how you see fit.

On the flip side, you will have those that will criticize  you for spending so much time, money, and effort on yourself. They’ll say things like, “You’re always wearing make up! Who are you trying to impress?” “Why do you keep going back to school? It’s a waste of time!” “You’re such a loner these days. What, are you too good to hang out with us anymore?” These comments are merely reflections of the giver, not the receiver. Never let anyone tell you the proper way to show love to yourself. You know how best to refuel your mind, body, and spirit. If they can’t or don’t understand it, then it’s their loss. You don’t owe anyone any sort of explanation. Just keep doin what makes you happy and protect yourself from the nay-sayers at all costs.

I do hope you’ve taken this self-love journey seriously. I also hope that it was, indeed, beneficial to you. Even if one sentence make you open your eyes to treating yourself better I’m satisfied. My goal is to help you find small, simple, everyday ways to improve your life. Little by little, bit by bit. Change doesn’t happen in big, grandiose steps. They are a series of small, intentional steps that you decide to make and then act on. I hope these small, intentional steps lead you to the bigger picture.

Thank you for taking this journey with me! Feel free to revisit this series if ever you feel your level of self-love slipping. Also, share this series – and blog – with your family and friends. You never know what nuggets of wisdom they may find. Love, hugs, and cupcakes to you all!

~Rockstarr~

We’re rounding third base in our self-love series. By now, you should have a better understanding of self-love. Once that understanding is solid, the next step was to make the declaration of accepting self-love. So what’s left? Here is where we go back to the basics. In the quest of reclaiming our self-love, we must remind ourselves of the different ways we can express self-love.

Below are ten ways you can reclaim your self love:

  1. Mirror Talk. In this exercise, you’ll have a loving conversation with yourself. It doesn’t have to be long or detailed. It’s a private moment for you to express your true feelings of love and appreciation. No one knows about this moment but you.
  2. Write yourself love notes. Leave them in inconspicuous places. As you come across them, you’ll be reminded just how fantastic you really are.
  3. Take a brisk 20-minute walk. Here is an opportunity for you to spend some quality time with yourself. You can think about anything, everything, or nothing at all. This time block is strictly for you and cannot – and should not – be interrupted.
  4. Take yourself out on a date. Dinner, a movie, bowling – find something that you love to do and haven’t done in a while and make a memory of it. Snap a few selfies while you’re at it. Create memories…that’s what it’s all about.
  5. Buy yourself something nice. It can be as extravagant as a $10,000 ring, or as simple as a $0.25 sucker. Whatever tickles your fancy. The premise is to give to yourself, from yourself.
  6. Go on a vacation. Whether it’s across town or across the country, shell out a few bucks and give yourself an opportunity of a lifetime. Visit somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, or a place that reminds you of who you are. Whatever you do, make the most of this trip.
  7. Get a massage. After all you’ve been through to get to this point, it’s time for some R&R…rest and relaxation. My personal favorite is a deep tissue massage with lavender and chamomile aromatherapy. Talk about heaven! There are plenty of massages to choose from. Find one that suits you…or better yet, experiment! Who says you only need one massage?!
  8. Give yourself a hug. Yes, it’s that simple. Wrap your arms around yourself and enjoy that warm embrace. You’ll know it’s authentic because it’s coming straight from you.
  9. Volunteer. If you’re a giver by nature, what better way to reclaim your self-love than to express your love for others? Spend time with the elderly, volunteer to be a big sister, donate blood. There’s a great need for givers. Fill that need and yourself at the same time.
  10. Give to a cause you care about. When you have a healthy level of self-love it’s easy to give to others. Pick a charity or cause – or even a person – close to your heart and do what you can to be a healthy reflection of self-love. Do this especially if it’s with a person. Don’t try to push your values onto them. Rather, show them what it means to love oneself. Be an example of healthy self-love. You’ll do them and yourself a world of good.

I’m sure you can think of many other ways to reclaim your self-love. What are they? Share below and inspire someone else. You never know who’s in need of reclaiming their own self-love. If you need help finding creative ways to reclaim your self-love reach out to me and we’ll get you back on track!

 

Now that you have a workable understanding of self-love, it’s time to move on to phase 2: accepting self-love. How do you do this? The process is easier than you think. In order to accept self-love you need to believe you’re worthy of self-love. Believing this truth is where many women get caught up. They start to think of the mistakes they’ve made in the past, the lies other people have told them, the goals they let fall to the wayside and produce numerous amounts of evidence to debunk the fact – FACT I tell you – that they are worthy of self-love. Instead of letting the evidence work against us, let’s use the evidence to work in our favor.

Case Study #1: When you were a child you were always told you were too ugly/fat/skinny/tall/short/girly/tomboyish. You never learned to love your true self because you altered your image to be the opposite of what you were being called.

Truth: The fact remains that you were NOT any of those things. Honey, listen…kids can be cruel, but none of what they said was true. It wasn’t any truer then than it is now. There was a point in time where you loved yourself for who you were. Along came adolescence, hormone changes, and peer pressure – all of a sudden you don’t know who you want to be. The answer has been with you all along: you want to be YOU! Let’s take that a step further though; don’t just BE you, EMBACE you! This means your curves, your tone, your hair, your style, your voice, your laugh – love and accept everything that makes you unique. We’re not in middle school anymore. Let those monster comments go. And if the comments came from an adult, know the issue is within them and was simply – yet unfairly – projected on you.

Case Study #2: You promised yourself when you were 21 that you would be married with 2 children living the American dream by the time you were 30. You’re now 35!

Truth: You can’t control decisions that involve more than you! Meaning, it’s unfair to your significant other (past or present) to buy into your dream if it doesn’t fit their own. Maybe they had different dreams in regards to marriage and family. That doesn’t make you any less valuable or worthy of self-love. Just because you haven’t found your knight in shining armor (thanks a lot, Disney! *side eye*) doesn’t mean they don’t exist! It just means you need to take this time to prepare yourself for the life that you desire. We’ve all heard the saying before and it rings true: we get what we want when we’re not looking!

Case Study #3: In focusing on case study #2, you neglected your goals of going back to school, starting a business, creating art, developing an invention – all because you lost yourself waiting for someone that has not yet arrived.

Truth: Just because you put your goals to the side doesn’t mean they’re completely dead! At any time you can register for classes, obtain a business license, pick up a paintbrush/pen/camera, or get in your lab! I am a firm believer that creative expression is one of the HIGHEST forms of self-love there is. It is the epitome of self-expression which can only be done when one is truly at peace with their inner being. Everyone – and I do mean everyone – has a creative side within them. Even if your goals are more logic-based, you can still use creativity to get you back on course.

Once you accept the truth of who you are, you will no longer be persuaded by anyone else’s truth of who you should be. That alone will provide the freedom required to fully love and embrace yourself…and by that I mean your SELF! Nothing has meaning except for the meaning you give it. When you define yourself, by yourself, for yourself, to yourself all other opinions and definitions – good or bad – will no longer matter.

“To thine own self be true.” –

Let’s be honest, how many of you can say this statement represents our life? Are you being true to yourself, or are you living a façade? Most of us are the latter, but swear we’re living in the former…especially in the sector of self-love. Now hear me out, ladies! We have a very warped perception of the true definition of self-love. We’re led to believe that it means having our hair laid out, nails on point, toes on fleek (do people even still use that word?!), body snatched, and clothes cycled out every season for the latest trends. While this may be a 100th of a 10th of 1% true, it is by no means an honest measure of self-love. It may be a representation of your Love Language, but self-love is on another level.

First, let’s break down the two words (thanks, Merriam Webster!):

Self: the entire person of an individual

Love: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another

Combine these two and you have the overall meaning of self-love: the act of being unselfish, loyal, and benevolently concerned for you. That sounds good, right? Is this really all there is to it?

In a word…no.

Self-love is so much deeper than a combined Merriam Webster definition. It goes beyond the physical appearance and resides on a deeper, cellular level. How we think…how we act…how we treat ourselves is an indicator of how much – or how little – self-love you possess. The way you carry yourself in person and in private are a direct reflection of how you value yourself. Before we dive in to what self-love is, let’s clarify what it is not.

Going back to my examples, these are not true signs of self-love. Yes, we all want to look good and personal care is a must, but that doesn’t equate self-love. In fact, we as women are notorious for using our outer appearance to hide our feelings. If we feel our body isn’t up to par, we wear clothing that hides our shape. If we dislike our hair, we cover it up with wigs and weaves. If our skin is less than perfect (God forbid we have a pimple or scar) we cover it with make-up. We look great on the outside, but it’s only to cover up the emptiness and inadequacy we feel on the inside. And who causes these feelings? Family? Friends? Lovers? The media? We can point as many fingers as we want, but the bottom line is WE are the cause of these feelings. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt stated this truth some decades ago and she was spot on. We’re so concerned about how appealing we are to others so THEY will love us, that we neglect to love our natural self. What do we end up doing instead? We hide behind the disguises of painted nails, false hair, compromised complexions, and uncomfortable clothing – all for the sake of love.

Ladies, this is not true self-love. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good so long as you’re doing it for YOU and not THEM!

Here’s what real self-love looks like. It’s proper rest and nutrition. It’s laughing and smiling genuinely because you’re happy with yourself. It’s complimenting other women in a positive light. It’s living the life that you desire. It’s being grateful for everyone and everything in your life. It’s spending quality time with yourself doing what you love. It’s practicing your beliefs. It’s being you…unashamed and unapologetically!

When I first understood self-love I was on the other side of the spectrum. In fact, I was so far on the other side I didn’t even bother to hide it. My focus was on everyone else: kids, family, not-so-significant others. Everyone got a piece of my love except for me. As far as receiving it…that was a foreign concept. Do you know what it’s like to never be told that you’re loved? That you’re beautiful? That you are appreciated? Now imagine that being your entire life. Growing up, these words were non-existent. It was just assumed, I guess. So, of course, the first time someone told me they “loved me” I was ecstatic! I didn’t bother to think if they were telling the truth or why they said it in the first place. I don’t even think I knew what the word “love” really meant. I was just so enamored a the fact that someone finally – FINALLY – told me they loved me. Too bad that person lied…and so did the next one…and the next one…and on and on and on.

It would take years of disappointments, let downs, and false illusions to finally accept that none of these claims (made by not-so-significant others and friends) were true. It would take just as long to rebound from the hurt and confusion it caused me to feel. If they never really loved me, did that mean I was unlovable? Did I even know the true meaning of love? Again, it would be years before I finally GOT it.

You see, where most of us as women go wrong is we look for others to love us instead of learning to first love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we need to know ourselves. In order to know ourselves, we need to spend time within ourselves. Only then are we capable of self-love, and it isn’t until we master self-love that we are truly able to love others. Otherwise, we’re simply lost souls seeking a “feeling” that we think is love, but we’re not quite sure because we don’t really know what love is ourselves. Once we get that understanding, we become force to be reckoned with!

This week, I want you to spend some time defining self-love. What does it mean to you? Are you living out the true meaning of self-love, or are you covering it up with distractions and illusions to mask the pain? What will it take to improve your self-love? Share your story below. This blog isn’t just about me…it’s about US! Look for the video blog expounding on this topic in a few days. You can view my current and previous videos here.


Not on WordPress? That's okay! Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive your daily dose of rocked out motivation by email.

Join 206 other followers

Motivational Boosters

The Motivational Rockstarr

Tweet me!