The Motivational Rockstarr

Posts Tagged ‘lessons learned

Domestic Violence Prevention avatarThis is my theme for the month. October is National Domestic Violence Prevention/Awareness month. For years this month has always been special to me. Not only have I experienced domestic violence – twice – but I’ve been a witness to it far too many times. Domestic violence goes beyond physical abuse. There are varying types: emotional, financial, sexual, mental, religious…the list goes on and on. There are women – and men, believe it or not – who are stuck in relationships today thinking they’re not being abused because their not-so-significant other hasn’t laid a hand on them. That’s the biggest stigma when it comes to domestic violence – that it’s only physical. It’s not! Any form of abuse that’s hurtful, belittling, and limits your quality of life can be considered abuse. There is no love is pain.

But there can be a purpose for it.

What I mean by purposing your pain is to take what you’ve been through and use it to better your life. A lot of times DV survivors feel guilt and shame for their failed relationships. Having society shame us in their own way doesn’t help, neither. How many times have you said or heard these words:

  • That could never be me!
  • How stupid  is she/he for staying?
  • She/he obviously likes the way they treat them or they would have left by now.
  • It can’t be that bad.
  • What’s to complain about? They’re living it up!

I could name countless other comments, but I think as survivors we’ve been shamed enough. Listen, there’s more to leaving a domestically violent relationship than packing your stuff and walking out. It’s not that easy! And, no, you don’t always see it coming. The complicated details can only be understood by those who have been through it. If you have, don’t waste another second giving the shameful thoughts and comments you overhear – or that are told directly to you – another kilowatt of your power! And if you’re the one doing the “talking” just know it’s more helpful to say something positive and beneficial. Keep your shameful feelings to yourself. You’re not helping the situation…AT ALL!

So how can you purpose this pain? Put a positive spin on it. I know there’s nothing positive about the incident in and of itself, but instead of reacting with guilt, shame, or counterproductively with your own attacks, try using the situation to help better your life.

Have you always been told you’re not attractive and no one else would want you? Use this opportunity to practice REAL self love! Every morning, go to the mirror and say these three affirmations:

I love you just as you are!

I appreciate you just as you are!

You’re beautiful just as you are!

Speak life into your self-confidence and self-esteem! Within a weeks time I bet you’ll feel a whole lot better!

Have you battled with finances because your not-so-significant other always controlled money? Take finance classes. Join online financial groups. Envision a better life where money is a tool that’s abundantly at your disposal.

Were you always told you would be nothing without them? Kept in solitude from your family and friends? Now is the best time to surround yourself with positive, uplifting people. This is sometimes tricky because, sadly, not all family members and friends are supportive of DV survivors during this critical time. I highly recommend seeking support groups. They can be found at your local community centers, though DV organizations, meetup.com, and many other places. Having difficulty finding a group? Create one! You are not alone in this journey. Find another lone walker and take this task on together. The more support you can find, the easier it will be.

There are many other ways to purpose your pain. One way that’s helped me is to give back and help others who are now dealing with what I’ve been through. This month I plan on purposing my pain in several ways:

  1. Purpose your Pain AnnouncementPurpose your Pain Open Coaching Sessions – Every Thursday evening from 6 pm – 7 pm EST this month I will host a weekly webinar online to discuss four aspects of domestic violence recovery: acceptance, forgiveness, healing, and forward movement. I invite you to join me and the other participants. As a bonus, all participants are eligible to win a free digital gift basket! Registration is free and participation is confidential. You can register here at Eventbrite. Or you can pop by the Zoom chat room where the webinar will be held. It’s open to all participants and, as stated before, you can participate confidentially.
  2. Stronger Than Life: On Saturday, 10/14, I will be in Bridgeport, CT sharing my story with four other amazing survivors. If you’re in the Bridgeport area I invite you to attend this event. Information can be found on the flyer below:Stronger Than Life 2017
  3. Hurricane eBook sale: The book that saved my life…literally…is on sale this month for $1.99 using coupon code RH32T. It’s available for download on all eReaders at Smashwords .

Hurricane Book Cover Image

There’s no telling what else I will do to bring awareness to this life altering issue. One thing’s for certain; whatever it is I will not let my pain exist in vain. If God spared me then it’s only right that I help others escape the turmoil I went through. Through pain, shame, and victim blame…I will purpose my pain!

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When I tell you that last week was a test of skill, will, and chill…I mean every word of it. Last Monday was the night of the Super Moon. Everyone – that I know, at least – was either ecstatic about its presence or hiding under their covers waiting for it to pass. I happen to be part of the crowd that anticipated such a spectacular event.

It was big!

It was beautiful!

It was the beginning of the unveiling of a lot – A LOT – of truths!

What do I mean by that? For me – and I can only speak for me – the Super Moon was my beacon and the light that it shined on a lot of things, and people, was not pleasant. I was forced to see situations for what they were, not what I wanted them to be. I was forced to see people for who they were, not who I wanted them to be. Even more importantly, it forced me to see myself for WHO I am…and that, my dear Rockstarrs, was my Super Moon Wake-Up Call!

I won’t get into the things nor people, because they’re irrelevant to my point. What I want to talk about is YOU – and I’ll use ME as a reference. You see, we all have a divine design for our life. We all need, want, and desire better – but we’ve been sold so many dreams and very few, if any, have come to fruition. We feel like we’re running in circles and getting nowhere. Yet it doesn’t have to turn out that way.

That’s what the Super Moon did for me last week. It forced me to see the error of my own ways and how I, and I alone, am the blockage to my blessings. Case in point: I’m in the midst of a 90 Day Non-Negotiable Mirror Challenge. The premise of this challenge is to have mirror time with myself (yes, as in talking to myself in the mirror) every single day…NO EXCUSES!!! Now the way I set this up is to do it 30 minutes before it’s time for me to get ready for work.

Well, this week wasn’t so favorable for me. While I always had my mirror time, it was either cut short (because I started late) or done later in the morning (in my car). I kept disciplining myself during my mirror time when I should have been honoring and celebrating myself. After all, that’s the entire point of the exercise. Long story short, what I realized was that I was harping over not getting up on time (I never have been an early morning person – ever!) instead of focusing on the most important part of the exercise which was focusing on the GOOD in me.

I’ve received this same lesson in other areas of my life as well. My focus this week has been on all the wrong things. The same can be said in regards to achieving goals. When you keep focusing on the roadblocks instead of the accomplishments you will feel stuck, or – even worse – like you’re going backward instead of forward. In my case, I was forced to see that my disciplining and scolding of self was being counterproductive to what I wanted to achieve. Once I got this message, I pumped the breaks and approached things differently.

Sometimes, we need to stop and access if what we see as a mountain is really just a holograph of our imagination. In my case, it most certainly was an illusion; one that I’m glad was revealed to me and one that quickly dissipated. This week, I anticipate the progression of various goals that I plan to achieve before the end of the year thanks to the Super Moon Revelation. What you focus on truly does expand. I was focused on the wrong thing. Now it’s my chance to make it right.

It’s never too late to shift your focus and you don’t need a Super Moon to do it. Simply take a few moments, take inventory of your life, your goals, and your progress, keep what’s working, ditch what isn’t, and move forward.

Quite frankly, I’m glad the Super Moon is over (some of the stuff that I experienced…yo!), but I can honestly say that I’m equally glad I was able to experience it. Now it’s time to apply my new level of knowledge to my life. I’m certain the results will be nothing short of amazing!

How was your Super Moon experience? Feel free to share below!

First of all, I do not like the new WordPress setup!

Now that I spoke my peace about it, let’s get down to the real purpose of this blog. Last time I talked about the need to reboot. I felt like I was stuck, uncomfortable, and stagnant – not the words I used, but you get my point. My goal was to do that during my getaway this weekend. I got a chance to reboot alright – but NOT how I expected.

I went to a cabin for the weekend with my BFFN (best friend for now – insider!) and his people. It was fun, exhausting and eye-opening all at the same time. Friday night was cool. Saturday was alright. That night is when $hit started hitting me left, right and center. I don’t know if it was the drinks, the atmosphere, or if something was just “in the air” but I literally was ready to break something…or someone.

No, I didn’t fall out with anyone or anything like that. I just realized that a lot of my need to reboot was coming from this incessant need to please every effin body that I come in contact with. What makes it even worse is that the majority of the folks could give a flying f**k if I went out of my way or not.

I had a couple of impromptu therapy sessions that day. One was with my BFFN’s dad. He put a lot of light on why I may be feeling this way without even knowing it. You know how you tell someone something, yet you find it difficult – if not impossible – to follow that advice yourself? Well, essentially that’s what was done to me. I was hearing my own motivational words bounce right back to me – with a wise yet gangsta twist! LOL! He was adorable and so on point. Sometimes, you just have to walk away from whatever or whoever it is and do you. It’ll/They’ll be there when you get back. If not, then why waste your time?

The second session came from my BFFN; this time I was even more irritated but for a different reason. He took his dad’s advice to a new level. One that will probably – no, definitely – make A LOT of people mad at me, but I have to do what I have to do. And what, pray tell, was that advice? Here it is; raw, uncut, and straight with no chaser (but not quoted because I don’t remember it verbatim):

You need to make your IDGAF (I don’t give a you-know-what) basket bigger. Matter of fact, create an IDGAF black hole and drop that $hit in there!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why he’s my BFFN! LOL!

So, the lessons that I learned over the course of my rebooting weekend are:

1) Don’t spend your life focusing on work.

2) When the day ends, leave that mess where it stands (work, issues, projects, etc.) and go do you.

3) Nothing is worth burning yourself out over.

4) No one is worth stressing over. Especially if they weren’t worth $hit when they were around. (That was a personal conclusion, but I won’t get into it here.)

5) Do what you can with what you have. When all else fails, drop it in your IDGAF Big Black Hole!

There’s still some residual irritation lingering within me, but that’s due to unresolved issues that WILL be taken care of within the next 24 hours. I am officially to the point where I’ve held myself back for others for far too long. I don’t mind motivating. I don’t mind giving a listening ear or even helping out when I can. I DO MIND being used, abused, and effed over just to get yourself ahead. I’ll help you step up, but NOT by allowing you to step all over me. At least now I won’t. This is a major lesson learned – more like realized – during this transitional phase.

This, by no means, changes my role as The Motivational Rockstarr. Far from it. This is a way to show you and tell you not to “sell your soul” for the sake of being liked, getting ahead, or benefiting others. There is a limit that you must create on your journey to your intended destination. I had limits, but every time I set them something happened or someone made a request that caused me to extend my limit – even when I knew I shouldn’t have. Basically, what I’m saying is forget drawing a line in the sand. Build a brick wall and make that thing indestructible.

I appreciate my BFFN and his father for helping me come to this realization. I enjoyed the weekend in its entirety. I absolutely adore those that I met! Now it’s time to finalize my reboot and build my brick wall. I’m setting limits in ALL 12 DIMENSIONS of my life. I don’t know how this is about to go down, but I will tell you this: EVERYONE WILL BE AFFECTED! Only time will tell if it will be in a positive or negative way.

The journey continues…

 


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